Every Tom, Dick and Harry, or perhaps Tomas, Ricardo, and Hans – the world over, when asked to name American cuisine will no doubt be able to rattle off the ubiquitous hamburger and its arguably less appealing, phallic brother the hot dog. However, American cuisine runs much deeper than cheeseburgers and wieners, and many of its lesser known dishes and daily items, particularly ones consumed by children, foreigners have no idea about. Some pretty common dishes you may not see in the movies may seem intriguing to outright weird. So without further ado here is some fine weird American foods all you non-gringos out there might want to try next time you find yourself inline at the green card counter. Bon Appa…what?:
Grilled Cheese dipped in Tomato Soup
Less on the weird side and more on the amazing side, grilled cheese and tomato soup is something both kids and hipster restaurants dreams are made from. This combo, while a bit weird to foreigners, will melt your heart along with that questionable cheese choice in-between the bread – gourmet or down and dirty cheap Campbells, you can’t go wrong with this classic.
Peanut Butter and Jelly
PB & J is probably the biggest staple on this list, especially for American children. Easy to make and fuckup proof for the modern deadbeat dad, this little sandwich is THE mainstay of the homemade meals. Non-Americans may find the jelly part particularly weird, but trust me, that sweet touch goes perfectly with the savory peanut butter. True Americanism right here.
Peanut Butter and Banana
American does peanut butter like Russia does Vodka. We are all about that butter baby. From sandwiches to desserts to foreplay, peanut butter makes everything better in the eyes of Americanos, so why not with banana?
Sloppy Joe
Giving kids at summer camp nightmares since 1894, the sloppy joe remains America great cuisine that because it looks like shit for some weird reason has caught on abroad. Browned beefed mixed with all the half emptied condiments your divorced dad has left in his fridge, this greasy item will keep you full and long for a Leave It to Beaver era.
Root Beer
Root beer has been an American classic since your grandad used to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow to school both ways. It tastes like cough syrup to some and freedom to others, so you just need to decide how American you can be with this delightful beverage of the American heartland.
Root Beer Float
How can you make any American classic better? Add vanilla ice cream of course. Your waistline may end up hating you, but you sure be a happier, more grounded individual once you have tried this tasty American treat. Even if your foreign friend hates root beer and think it tastes like cough syrup, make it into a float and you may just turn your friends life around. That would be a win for you and for America.
Bologna Sandwich
If mystery meat had a name it would not longer be a mystery, but it would be called bologna. This little sandwich is one I have not personality had since I could relate to my mother that I would resent her and not give her grandkids should she give me another one. But hey, to each their own. Slap together to pieces of Wonder Bread (white bleached bread devoid of any nutrition, a blog post unto itself) lathered in mayo and wedge in a piece of bologna in between and you probably have created the most offensive thing you can think to Italians. Thanks for the branding guys.
Kraft Mac’n’Cheese
I can’t say for sure, but I would probably shiv someone for this if I were in prison. It may seem like something out of the Twilight Zone, that is if you come from Italy (sorry again guys) and are used to homemade pasta that doesn’t come from an instant mix, but this stuff is addictive. It comes in a very ubiquitous blue box that I didn’t post a picture of because of being sued or something, but Kraft is kind in this homestead item. You can find gourmet Mac and Cheese everywhere hipster these days, but for kids in the know, the original mix is the best.
S’mores
An American summer camp classic, you may have seen this little item in the movies and been left scratching your head. S’mores, while seeming like weird American food to some, are a tasty summertime standby. Roasted marshmallow over the fire, smooshed (yes, only smooshed will suffice) between two sweet Graham crackers and a Hersey’s chocolate bar into a treat of the fattening food gods. A better treat couldn’t have been created if a multinational chocolate company sinisterly colluded with a multinational marshmallow company to make American Desserts Great Again.
Corn Dogs
And last but not least, we essentially have a deep fried hot dog on a stick – but the All American corndog is much more than this as it is on a stick and provides the perfect walk and eat vessel. It has a crispier crunch than a normal hot dog bun and a sweeter aftertaste and may as well have been invented by NASA as it is out of this world if you know your obvious dad puns. Either way, try this gem next time you find yourself at a rundown American amusement park marveling at our obesity levels. I suggest a ketchup and mustard double dip – you will know what to do when the time arrives.